Gretchen Rubin’s secrets of happiness

Defining happiness in adulthood — let alone finding it — isn’t always as simple as it seems. Luckily Gretchen Rubin, #1 New York Times-bestselling author of The Happiness Project, is here to help. Ahead of her upcoming conversation with Allison Gilbert on Sunday, June 1 — part of Connected Lives, 92NY’s new conversation series about building community and connection in the modern world — Rubin sat down to talk to us about what we can all do to prioritize our happiness, why human connection is so crucial to our well-being, her new book of aphorisms, Secrets of Adulthood, and much more.

You’ve been thinking about the idea of happiness for a long time. But happiness can take many different forms — childhood happiness might look very different from happiness in adulthood. What do you think is the secret to happiness for adults in 2025?

There are two ways you could answer that question. The first answer is: relationships. If you had to pick one thing that is the secret to happiness, ancient philosophers and contemporary scientists agree that we have to have strong, intimate bonds; we have to be able to confide in others; we have to be able to get support from those around us; and — just as importantly —we have to be able to give support. From this angle, it would seem clear that relationships are the secret to happiness. But the other answer to the question is self-knowledge — that we can only build a happy life on the foundation of understanding our own nature, our own temperament, our own flaws, our own circumstances, our own desires — and so if you want to build a happy life you have to know yourself. Those are very different ways of viewing that question, but they can go hand in hand.

How did you first conceive of Secrets of Adulthood? What inspired you to write it?

A couple of strands came together for me. First, my daughters were entering the world of adulthood, and I thought, I should write down my secrets of adulthood to try to spare them some of the challenges that I faced along the way. But as I was doing it, I realized that I needed to remind myself of some of these lessons too. “Mishaps often make the best memories” — I have to remind myself of this over and over. I also wanted to challenge myself to express these secrets of adulthood in the form of aphorisms.

What drew you to the aphorism? Are there particular writers whose aphorisms inspired you?

I think it’s widely understood that giving yourself limits sparks creativity, and usually things are better when they’re tightly edited: the three-minute pop song, the thirty-minute sitcom, the haiku, the sonnet. There’s an old joke: I’m sorry I wrote you such a long letter, I didn’t have time to write you a short one. I love all aphorisms, so I really will sit down and read a book of them. Oscar Wilde, Montaigne, and Samuel Johnson. Benjamin Franklin, of course. Yogi Berra is a great aphorist, famously, but so is Warren Buffett. When I was writing this book I had writers like that in mind, but in general I believe that crystallizing an idea and getting rid of anything that’s extraneous just makes writing better. It’s funny — I’m a huge fan of The Office, and now they have these super-fan episodes that are longer, where they leave in a lot of stuff that was originally cut. If you love The Office, you think all you want is more. And then you realize that the short episode was better — they cut it down to the best stuff. That’s the principle of the aphorism.

You’ll be talking to Allison Gilbert as part of our new Connected Lives series, exploring how to build meaningful relationships in today’s world. What is one concrete thing all of us can start doing today — right now, after reading this interview — to improve our relationships?

If you’re trying to decide whether you should go through the cost and hassle of going to your college reunion, you should probably go. If you’re deciding whether to go to an after-work networking event — again, you should probably go. Whenever you’re deciding how to spend your precious time, energy, or money, anything that helps you deepen or broaden your relationships is likely to make you happier. On balance, it’s a really good way to make decisions.

What do you hope those who attend this conversation come away with?

I hope that people are inspired to think about which relationships really matter. And then to ask themselves: what are the small things I can do in my day-to-day life that will help me foster them?

Gretchen Rubin talks to Allison Gilbert about Secrets of Adulthood on Sun, Jun 1. Get tickets today.